A Single Daddy’s Blog

The last few weeks have been a mix of fun and fear while consistently worrying about my little girl.

I agreed to let Anastasia spend three weeks with her mother this summer. After the last bit of drama I went through I felt we both needed a break. She needed some time with her mother and I figured some time alone would do me well.

So, Monday the 5th of July I put her on a plane to Las Vegas to spend time with her mother.

The first week I was pretty good with the silence/alone. Then that weekend I left to go visit my friend in Park City, Utah. It was definitely nice to get away and spend some time with a close friend. I left there the following Thursday and went back to AZ. From there I spent most of the days working and a lot of the nights over a new friends’ house. Just hanging out with them and their kids.

I told Anastasia I would not call her and that if she wanted to talk to me she could call me. I heard from her no less than 5 or 6 times a day on the phone and we chatted online throughout most of the day. :D  Needless to say I was thrilled we kept in touch as much as we did.

I missed my little girl. That is the longest she has been away from me since she was born. I am not sure how I am going to deal with her growing up and wanting to leave home. I am sure I will be ‘ok’. Although I know I am not looking forward to it at all. I guess it is no use worrying about it now, I still have at least 6 more years.

Anyway, things are ok. She is becoming a little lady, attitude and all. I will try to be the cool dad, although when she brings a boy home the cool goes out the window with the boy. ;)

It has been more than a year sine I have written on this blog. I had my reasons for my disappearance. I had a following and questioning that was getting too much for me to handle.

The past year has brought me many surprises. I could tally them in detail here, although what’s the point. In love, out of love, lost love…and the sum of it all; love sucks.

Maybe I am not fit for love. Maybe I am not made to be loved. Sure I have been loved, only if I acted a certain way, did certain things, moved to a certain place and most recently if I spent enough money.

What I find funny is that I am where I started when I started writing this blog. Back to me and Anastasia, my daughter.

Which has had it’s own issues. I have spent the last eight years raising my daughter the best I knew how. I have been told I spoil her. I can’t help it, I love her. She is not a spoiled brat, although she is spoiled.

Yesterday she told me she thinks I hate her.

She was in trouble, matter of fact she got herself into a lot of trouble. And while I was in the middle of pointing out where she messed up and was correcting her she blurted that out.

Let’s go back for a minute… I have always felt I was lingering on a bad parent raising Anastasia. I have done my best. I know that. Although I have always felt like I could do better. Her getting into trouble every year in school has proved that point over and over to me. I could do better.

Although when she told me this yesterday something in me broke. I am not sure what although something broke. Why try any more? I have put every ounce of energy into her that I could and she thinks I could hate her? I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to fail anymore. I am tired of failing at the family/love thing.

Maybe I really am a bad father… It’s not like there is an instruction booklet and pop quiz or test that tells me I am or am not a good father. I did my best, she thinks I hate her. Where else have I to go?

I think of it as a sucker punch that put me one knee down. (I am too stubborn to admit I might be on both knees)

So, I have no answers and for the first time I have run out of questions. I am truly broken.

I am sure I am not the only one, when the perfect sequence of buttons are pushed I fly off the handle. It happens. And I did last Thursday. I am sure there was a better way to handle it, although I was faced with making a decision I was not comfortable with and even though I needed to make it, I was very upset about it. And when my past was thrown at me, I went over the edge. For all purposes, I am sorry. You know who I am writing this too, so I will leave it nameless, although I am sorry.

Last week and into this weekend has been pretty trying. I am sure God has a reason for it all, although I really dislike the drama that has been placed in my lap.

Last week, part of my past came back claiming to care about me, culminating in that ‘past’ person telling me I was not ‘allowed’ to write about them (on any blog) anymore and me telling them never to contact me again. Although I guess that was the best I could have expected. In the end, we never saw eye to eye and this way is probably better because we will live our lives and move forward. Well at least the person I am referring to will. I choose to go no where, although that is another story for another blog.

In other news, a neighbor, that I considered a close friend, and I have not been speaking to each other. I am still pretty hazy as to why, although I think I am ‘blind’ and that may be this neighbor’s whole issue with me. (I am summarizing generally.)

Then in a semi-related issue, the Assistant Principal at Anastasia’s school lied to me on Friday about a write-up, according to him, she never got. Although I have an email from the aide that wrote her up proving she was written up, and Anastasia telling me that she got written up for things she never did.

Now, let me be the first to say, I KNOW Anastasia lies, ALOT. I have been working with her on that. Although, why would the aide write me an email telling me they are ’sorry’ and they had ‘no choice’ other than to write her up? Then, that very day when Anastasia came home she told me the story with no prompting. She told me about how the Asst Principal called her to his office because of this write up, she said she didn’t do any of it, he called the student she supposedly ‘touched’ and that student told the Asst. Principal that Anastasia never ‘touched’ him. The Asst. Principal threw away the write up and sent Anastasia back to class. This all according to Anastasia.

Then, on Friday I go to the school and question the Asst. Principal about the write up and he tells me there was none.

Now again, I know Anastasia lies, although she lies to keep herself out of trouble, at least in her thoughts, that’s why she lies. In this case, Anastasia told me about the write up without me asking. If Anastasia had the slightest thought she would get in trouble she would have hid it like she does with EVERYTHING else. And I have an email from the aide. Yet the Asst. Principal denies it all.

Simple Answer: Something ain’t stirring the Kool-Aid at Anastasia’s school. And the Assistant Principal is definitely lying.

So, I am off to start my Monday. I had a rough weekend with Anastasia, she has decided to start giving me attitude on and off. So she was grounded most the weekend.

Anastasia got off the bus today with gum in her hair. Not cool.

Turns out, most of the kids on the bus like to make fun of her and few of her friends.

Today they were pouring water on her, throwing food at her and ultimately put gum in her hair.

If course she got off the bus crying and ran home. And as soon as she got there I ran to the bus, had the bus driver come outside and explain to me how this happened on his bus.

His response, “I drive the bus, that’s what MY job is.”

Of course this did not sit well with me. I called the bus dispatch and ultimately the director in charge of the busses for this area.

Oh, and yes, I was hot!

I am waiting to hear back from
the director and find out what she is going to do about this, because this is an every day occurance on this bus and it has to be stopped.

The school is K through 8, so there is already enough issues with control and the kids not mixing well, then add a non-attentive bus driver and all he’ll breaks lose every day.

I got enough emotions going on, I sure don’t need Anastasia having a horrible days also.

Oh, and by the way, Canola Oil works wonders for getting gum out of hair. Thanks to my sister for figuring that one out.

I realized late last night in another one of my sleepless night thinking sprees that I have no answers. I have no suggestions and no illusions about today or tomorrow.

I realized I am a silly idiot with dreams in my head that simply do not come true. There is no happily ever-after or the ‘one’ that actually makes you feel like you are wanted.

Just a cold hard reality that no matter where you live or how close or bizarre the next ‘one’ is, I am not wanted.

A hard truth to swallow. I am not wanted.

Sorry if you thought this post would have something to do with single parenting, although I guess it does, cause I have to figure out how to hide my shame and truth from my little one. So much for teaching her not to lie.