A Single Daddy’s Blog

I realized late last night in another one of my sleepless night thinking sprees that I have no answers. I have no suggestions and no illusions about today or tomorrow.

I realized I am a silly idiot with dreams in my head that simply do not come true. There is no happily ever-after or the ‘one’ that actually makes you feel like you are wanted.

Just a cold hard reality that no matter where you live or how close or bizarre the next ‘one’ is, I am not wanted.

A hard truth to swallow. I am not wanted.

Sorry if you thought this post would have something to do with single parenting, although I guess it does, cause I have to figure out how to hide my shame and truth from my little one. So much for teaching her not to lie.

Well, Easter has come and gone and so has Anastasia’s birthday. Once again, Anastasia is spoiled. I know this, yet she is my only child, so, am I wrong for spoiling her? The jury is still out on that one.

Anyway, I changed my phone number recently because Anastasia’s school will not call me long distance.

Let me explain.

I only have a cell phone, no house phone. I can’t justify getting a house phone when my cell phone is with me all the time and a house phone would cost close to the same amount, and in addition to, my cell phone bill. So when I moved to Arizona from Las Vegas I didn’t change my cell phone number. Although it has caused an issue a few times at Anastasia’s school because they will not call a long distance number.

So I used this ‘reason’ to justify switching to AT&T and getting a new shiny iPhone. I love the iPhone, although I am not to thrilled with AT&T. We will see how it goes. So that is the ‘new’ part.

Now on to the surprising part.

About a year ago I broke up with a girl I was dating for almost six years. I have written plenty on this and I refuse to write anymore about the relationship or break up, although in the past few weeks I was a little surprised.

After almost six years you would think that anyone I was dating for that long would have contacted Anastasia just to wish her a Happy Birthday. Now, I understand that I changed my number and I will not get texts sent to the old number, although the old number does still forward to the new number and will forward for the next year or so. I just thought it a little strange that I or Anastasia did not get a call, text, card, nothing from my ex. Like I said, maybe it is the fact that she did, and I just didn’t get it, who knows.

I haven’t said anything and I am pretty sure Anastasia has not thought about it. So, I guess it’s ‘no harm, no foul.’

I try to write at least once a day about what happens in my life based on how it relates to my daughter.  That’s what this blog is about.  Although lately I have found myself very lost emotionally.  And it doesn’t pertain to my daughter at all, ok, well it sort of does.

I have recently sealed the door shut with my ex girlfriend.  We broke up in April and then in the past month or so started talking on and off.  I realized I could not go back and knew I needed to close that door so I didn’t lead her anywhere I was not intending to.  That went, well, just how I expected it.  Although, at least, the door is completely closed.

Between then and now I got involved with an old friend.  It seemed as though things were shaping up to be good.  Then I moved to Arizona and she went back to the southern state she is from and everything got weird.  I mean like the day I got to AZ she was pressing me to move to the south.  I wanted to move there although I moved to Arizona to be around family and I didn’t want to leave right away.

My ex-girlfriend told me on the phone she had offers to go out on dates that she turned down because she was waiting to see if her and I would get back together.  The girl from the south is with someone that sounds like she is madly in love with.  And I am here all by myself.

Single parents are often referred to as having baggage.  I have baggage.  I look at every potential girlfriend a little differently now then I did 6 years ago when I first became a guy with baggage.  Now I look at how they will react with my daughter.  Does my daughter get along with them, does she like them and so on..

So, I sit here alone with my baggage.  Truth be told, if I had the chance to do all this again and change whether I did have or did not have baggage, I wouldn’t change a thing.

I love my daughter.  Every time I see her, I smile.  I am thankful for every sound she makes, even if it is her dreadful whining.  I am a single father with baggage.  My daughter is my proudest achievement and every day I just get prouder.

That doesn’t change my hurt inside and my desire to love and share my life with someone.  And that is really what this post is about…. ..

Back in June I got a call from my ex.  The one that left six years ago and I have not heard from all this time.  The second I realized it was her, she was begging for me not to hang up on her and that she needed to tell me some things.  Something was different.

I let her explain.  She told me she got so messed up into drugs that it consumed her life, etc.etc. (I could tell you the details she told me, although does it really matter?)  She then told me she has been clean for almost a year and she wants to make things right with me and Anastasia.  I needed time to process that request.  I asked her to call me the next day because I was returning from Zion National Park and I was int he car.  She said ok and hung up.  I was flabbergasted.  Luckily Anastasia was visiting with Grandma and Grandpa during this time.

The next day she called me and explained more about what she was doing and how she was doing it.  She explained that she was an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) fanatic.  She just replaced liquor with drugs when they said the word.  I could tell in her voice that she was very sincere and trying.  I wasn’t sure how I felt.

I told her that she had been gone for six years and that is not an easy thing to fix.  As a matter of fact there is no fix for it, there is just progression from it.  She agreed.  And we agreed to meet each other the next day at a Del Taco.

When I arrived she came out to greet me.  She was as I remembered her, BEFORE she got mean and messed up.  I thought I would have hatred, feelings, something…..  There was nothing though.  I felt as if it was someone I knew from my past.  We had a connection at one point in time and that was it.  The more we talked, the more I realized she had really changed and was trying to re-enter life and progress.

I immediately became a fan of hers and her cause.  Not because I felt anything, it was because I could see the conviction in her eyes and the positive sounds coming from her voice.

I was happy she wanted to get in touch with Anastasia.  I just didn’t know how that would play out. I told her I would need time.  A lot of time.  I need to tell Anastasia that the person she has cried about for the past six years and has finally learned to cope with the loss of, is now back wanting to be in her life.  I felt that time would let me work all this out.  All in God’s time.

Don’t get me wrong, at first, even though I was happy for her and a fan, there was no way I would let her see or talk to my baby girl.  My fatherly protection came first.  As time went on and my ex continued to keep her word, starting to pay the child support ($100/month) and making payments to the back owed child support as well, I started to realize she really was trying and really was determined to make this happen.

I met her again before I moved to AZ.  At this meeting she told me a little more about her current life.  She was living with her boyfriend of about a year and she was going to a bunch of AA meetings a week.  I was happy she was with someone and was happier to realize how dedicated she actually was to all this “clean” stuff.  I told her at that point that I would really try to make this work and get her talking to Anastasia.  I told her I knew it would take sometime though.

Well as God has His ways of making things funny and slapping us in the face, he did it to me.  In order to get a Passport, for our cruise, I needed to have a form signed my Anastasia’s mother because she would not be present when we got our passports.  Funny how she contacted me not a month earlier.  Hmmm… Wait, it gets even better…

So my ex gladly fills out the form, sends it back to me and I am off to the Post Office.  Before we left on that Saturday Anastasia asked me if she could look at the paperwork, yes here is the slap part, not thinking about anything, I said sure, go ahead.  She looks as she flips through the pages, then she stops and goes, “Uhhhh!!??”

I asked her what she was looking at?  Then my heart sank when she showed me what she was looking at.  She asked me how I got her signature.  I told her to get a chair and I proceeded to tell her the entire story from when her biological mother first contacted me in June.  I have never held any secrets from her before.  I’m not about to start now.

She cried, we hugged.  She asked questions about where she had been.  I told her I didn’t know.  I told her she wasn’t taking drugs anymore.  I also explained AA and how her biological mother was helping others to stop taking drugs and alcohol.

She was content with the conversation then.  She has come to me and wanted to talk about it a few more times.  A few tears.  Her biggest issue right now is what should she call her.  When she was 5, she asked me if she still had to call her mother, mom, who at that point, she hadn’t talked to in a year.  I asked what she wanted to call her.  And she told me, “<Ex First Name>.  That is her name.”  I couldn’t argue with that, so I said yes.

I told her she could call her what ever she felt she wanted to and if she decided on her first name then I would back her up with that.  And that my ex should not have any issues with that.

So, now I talk to my ex a few times a month.  She pays her child support and Anastasia might talk to her soon.  I will not press her to talk to her though.  She knows her ‘mom’ is there.  This will happen when Anastasia wants it to now.  Unless God wants to show me something again.  :)