A Single Daddy’s Blog

The last few weeks have been a mix of fun and fear while consistently worrying about my little girl.

I agreed to let Anastasia spend three weeks with her mother this summer. After the last bit of drama I went through I felt we both needed a break. She needed some time with her mother and I figured some time alone would do me well.

So, Monday the 5th of July I put her on a plane to Las Vegas to spend time with her mother.

The first week I was pretty good with the silence/alone. Then that weekend I left to go visit my friend in Park City, Utah. It was definitely nice to get away and spend some time with a close friend. I left there the following Thursday and went back to AZ. From there I spent most of the days working and a lot of the nights over a new friends’ house. Just hanging out with them and their kids.

I told Anastasia I would not call her and that if she wanted to talk to me she could call me. I heard from her no less than 5 or 6 times a day on the phone and we chatted online throughout most of the day. :D  Needless to say I was thrilled we kept in touch as much as we did.

I missed my little girl. That is the longest she has been away from me since she was born. I am not sure how I am going to deal with her growing up and wanting to leave home. I am sure I will be ‘ok’. Although I know I am not looking forward to it at all. I guess it is no use worrying about it now, I still have at least 6 more years.

Anyway, things are ok. She is becoming a little lady, attitude and all. I will try to be the cool dad, although when she brings a boy home the cool goes out the window with the boy. ;)

It has been more than a year sine I have written on this blog. I had my reasons for my disappearance. I had a following and questioning that was getting too much for me to handle.

The past year has brought me many surprises. I could tally them in detail here, although what’s the point. In love, out of love, lost love…and the sum of it all; love sucks.

Maybe I am not fit for love. Maybe I am not made to be loved. Sure I have been loved, only if I acted a certain way, did certain things, moved to a certain place and most recently if I spent enough money.

What I find funny is that I am where I started when I started writing this blog. Back to me and Anastasia, my daughter.

Which has had it’s own issues. I have spent the last eight years raising my daughter the best I knew how. I have been told I spoil her. I can’t help it, I love her. She is not a spoiled brat, although she is spoiled.

Yesterday she told me she thinks I hate her.

She was in trouble, matter of fact she got herself into a lot of trouble. And while I was in the middle of pointing out where she messed up and was correcting her she blurted that out.

Let’s go back for a minute… I have always felt I was lingering on a bad parent raising Anastasia. I have done my best. I know that. Although I have always felt like I could do better. Her getting into trouble every year in school has proved that point over and over to me. I could do better.

Although when she told me this yesterday something in me broke. I am not sure what although something broke. Why try any more? I have put every ounce of energy into her that I could and she thinks I could hate her? I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to fail anymore. I am tired of failing at the family/love thing.

Maybe I really am a bad father… It’s not like there is an instruction booklet and pop quiz or test that tells me I am or am not a good father. I did my best, she thinks I hate her. Where else have I to go?

I think of it as a sucker punch that put me one knee down. (I am too stubborn to admit I might be on both knees)

So, I have no answers and for the first time I have run out of questions. I am truly broken.

I am single. That fact is pretty obvious considering the blog name. I have full custody of Anastasia and her mother saw Anastasia for the first time in almost 7 years just before Christmas.

Reality is; I never thought I would be here raising my daughter on my own. I never thought I would be single at this age in life. I was a dealt a set of cards and I played them. I am exceptionally happy with the relationship I have with my daughter. Sure she lies, although I did too when I was little.

No one will ever come between my daughter and I. That is a picture I have painted for Anastasia since she was younger. And it seems in recent months Anastasia has lost sight of that fact. So I have restated it several times to her.  There is a bond that children have with their parents and that needs to be made clear to children over and over again.

I know I have not done a good job of this  is something I need to do a much better job with.

A new friend and quickly becoming a very close one has a blog and posted something very interesting to me today. The post is titled “On Growing Up…..Does Anyone?” As read about her father, cowboys and indians and the subject of growing up I started to think of my past and the instances in my life that stick out to me.

I thought about Anastasia and her growing up and what she would remember about me. I actually feel confident that Anastasia will remember me as the immature video game playing harley riding cool dad that I would hope she would remember me as. Her and I have so much fun together. And with her getting older is only opening opportunities for us to share more fun together.

I suddenly am looking forward to the future again. :)

Thank you Annie.

Here is her blog post: http://southbeachannie.blogspot.com/2009/01/on-growing-updoes-anyone.html

Today was CrAzY Hair day at my daughter’s school. We decided last night we would do her hair like a mohawk, or at least as close as we can get. After Anastasia got ready I got ready for the transformation. When I started I immediately realized I needed a hair dryer and hair spray which I didn’t have.

Sooo…Plan B…..
I told Anastasia to get all the hair ties she had and I would do something ’special’ with her hair… ;)

She brought me 5 hair ties, so she got 5 pony tails in her head. That’s right I am an AR TEEST!!

Here’s the pictures:

My hairstyle project	Anastasias hairdo
Back of my smooth hair style	I am a beautician I know it

She is SOOOOO proud that I did her hair, all her friends will jealous. :D

So proud of her hairdoo