A Single Daddy’s Blog

It has been more than a year sine I have written on this blog. I had my reasons for my disappearance. I had a following and questioning that was getting too much for me to handle.

The past year has brought me many surprises. I could tally them in detail here, although what’s the point. In love, out of love, lost love…and the sum of it all; love sucks.

Maybe I am not fit for love. Maybe I am not made to be loved. Sure I have been loved, only if I acted a certain way, did certain things, moved to a certain place and most recently if I spent enough money.

What I find funny is that I am where I started when I started writing this blog. Back to me and Anastasia, my daughter.

Which has had it’s own issues. I have spent the last eight years raising my daughter the best I knew how. I have been told I spoil her. I can’t help it, I love her. She is not a spoiled brat, although she is spoiled.

Yesterday she told me she thinks I hate her.

She was in trouble, matter of fact she got herself into a lot of trouble. And while I was in the middle of pointing out where she messed up and was correcting her she blurted that out.

Let’s go back for a minute… I have always felt I was lingering on a bad parent raising Anastasia. I have done my best. I know that. Although I have always felt like I could do better. Her getting into trouble every year in school has proved that point over and over to me. I could do better.

Although when she told me this yesterday something in me broke. I am not sure what although something broke. Why try any more? I have put every ounce of energy into her that I could and she thinks I could hate her? I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to fail anymore. I am tired of failing at the family/love thing.

Maybe I really am a bad father… It’s not like there is an instruction booklet and pop quiz or test that tells me I am or am not a good father. I did my best, she thinks I hate her. Where else have I to go?

I think of it as a sucker punch that put me one knee down. (I am too stubborn to admit I might be on both knees)

So, I have no answers and for the first time I have run out of questions. I am truly broken.

I realized late last night in another one of my sleepless night thinking sprees that I have no answers. I have no suggestions and no illusions about today or tomorrow.

I realized I am a silly idiot with dreams in my head that simply do not come true. There is no happily ever-after or the ‘one’ that actually makes you feel like you are wanted.

Just a cold hard reality that no matter where you live or how close or bizarre the next ‘one’ is, I am not wanted.

A hard truth to swallow. I am not wanted.

Sorry if you thought this post would have something to do with single parenting, although I guess it does, cause I have to figure out how to hide my shame and truth from my little one. So much for teaching her not to lie.

Today I got a text from my daughter while I was shaving. She wrote, “Friends, Can I bring my webkins to school today since we have a half day? Please, Please!”

I immediately wrote back to her with a simple, “Yes”

I thought about her text for a second after I sent my response and thought it was kind of an oxymoron that she was asking me ‘as a friend’ if she could bring her Webkins to school. I mean, clearly I needed to make a parental decision when I answered her.  I laughed to myself and continued my morning rituals of getting ready.

A little later on she sent me another text that said, “Ty, Ty, Ty, Luv you lots!” Her and I needed to have a talk.

When I saw her in the kitchen a little later I told her that it was kind of hard to be her friend when she is asking me permission to do something. She made that face I love, the one that tells me, “Oh yeah, you’re right.” She understood what I was saying. :)

Then I mentioned to her about the love text she sent. I explained that love is not something that changes simply because I do or do not let her do something. She got that too I think.

Oh yeah, and the purple and black striped tights are in the trash. She could not come up with the last time she wore them when I asked her. So little white lie resulted in the tights going in the trash. I really disliked those tights anyways. :)

Seems like 2008  was a year full of change for my daughter and I. I got out of a 5 year relationship with my girlfriend, my daughter and moved to Arizona, I quit my job to start my own business, my daughters mother resurfaced, changed her life and is now working to be an active part of her daughters life and I have lost more than just my heart over the course of the year.

It was a good year with plenty of bumps and changes. I guess that is what we need every once in a while to make us better people.

I am looking forward to 2009 with renewed hope in my business. I take with me the hard lessons I learned the year before in love and life.

Anastasia and I have had a few defining moments in the past few days and I feel like some how, some way we get each other just that much more.

I wish you the best for 2009 and keep coming back as I chronicle the lives of my daughter, myself and those around us. :)

I have had to face some pretty hard facts in the last 48 hours. My life as it seems and everything as I know it is different. My heart is a mess, I would say broken, although how can you describe a heart that is more like pea soup just sloshing around with no feeling broken? I know it doesn’t feel broken, I just feels absent. Like I lost something that I needed to breath, for life, for .. does it really matter anymore?

Let me get to the point.
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