A Single Daddy’s Blog

I realized late last night in another one of my sleepless night thinking sprees that I have no answers. I have no suggestions and no illusions about today or tomorrow.

I realized I am a silly idiot with dreams in my head that simply do not come true. There is no happily ever-after or the ‘one’ that actually makes you feel like you are wanted.

Just a cold hard reality that no matter where you live or how close or bizarre the next ‘one’ is, I am not wanted.

A hard truth to swallow. I am not wanted.

Sorry if you thought this post would have something to do with single parenting, although I guess it does, cause I have to figure out how to hide my shame and truth from my little one. So much for teaching her not to lie.

Today I got a text from my daughter while I was shaving. She wrote, “Friends, Can I bring my webkins to school today since we have a half day? Please, Please!”

I immediately wrote back to her with a simple, “Yes”

I thought about her text for a second after I sent my response and thought it was kind of an oxymoron that she was asking me ‘as a friend’ if she could bring her Webkins to school. I mean, clearly I needed to make a parental decision when I answered her.  I laughed to myself and continued my morning rituals of getting ready.

A little later on she sent me another text that said, “Ty, Ty, Ty, Luv you lots!” Her and I needed to have a talk.

When I saw her in the kitchen a little later I told her that it was kind of hard to be her friend when she is asking me permission to do something. She made that face I love, the one that tells me, “Oh yeah, you’re right.” She understood what I was saying. :)

Then I mentioned to her about the love text she sent. I explained that love is not something that changes simply because I do or do not let her do something. She got that too I think.

Oh yeah, and the purple and black striped tights are in the trash. She could not come up with the last time she wore them when I asked her. So little white lie resulted in the tights going in the trash. I really disliked those tights anyways. :)

Seems like 2008  was a year full of change for my daughter and I. I got out of a 5 year relationship with my girlfriend, my daughter and moved to Arizona, I quit my job to start my own business, my daughters mother resurfaced, changed her life and is now working to be an active part of her daughters life and I have lost more than just my heart over the course of the year.

It was a good year with plenty of bumps and changes. I guess that is what we need every once in a while to make us better people.

I am looking forward to 2009 with renewed hope in my business. I take with me the hard lessons I learned the year before in love and life.

Anastasia and I have had a few defining moments in the past few days and I feel like some how, some way we get each other just that much more.

I wish you the best for 2009 and keep coming back as I chronicle the lives of my daughter, myself and those around us. :)

I have had to face some pretty hard facts in the last 48 hours. My life as it seems and everything as I know it is different. My heart is a mess, I would say broken, although how can you describe a heart that is more like pea soup just sloshing around with no feeling broken? I know it doesn’t feel broken, I just feels absent. Like I lost something that I needed to breath, for life, for .. does it really matter anymore?

Let me get to the point.
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Most of you know I have been in a serious relationship for the past 5 years or so. The biggest mistake I made was having my parents watch my daughter while I grew this relationship. I fell in love, she fell in love and Anastasia always got her love and attention just from me. My ex girlfriend was young, not alot younger than me, although definitely not ready or willing to be a mother. I should have ended this relationship soley on that years earlier, although love has a funny way of blinding people from the truth.

So the relationship went on and slowly she got bored with me (this is my version). She found comfort in a friend who presented her with fun and no ties or responsibility to hold either of them down. She drifted away and I was the one left with my daughter wondering what happened.  She never broke up with me, she never actually started a relationship with this guy, although all the signs were there from my perspective.

In the end, I broke up with her. I had to. Anastasia was just seeing me frustrated and I needed to snap out of the cycle that had become our relationship.

Since then and old friend and I started talking more regularly. I didn’t talk to her much because of my ex’s jealousy of her. So I started talking to her about a month or so after our breakup and we decided to try a go at the relationship thing we both were so jaded over. She visited me in Las Vegas, it was as if I fell upon everything I had been searching for in a woman my entire life. She was so in to Anastasia that I even starting having issues with that because they really did get along that well. I didn’t want to lose my little girl.

When my friend went back home, her and I realized how much we missed each other, although issues and distance became our enemy. I started hiding my feelings and shutting down and she started reaching out to grab me and all it did was explode in our faces.

I also realized I was not over my ex. Maybe it was the amount of time I spent with her, maybe it was the act of chasing her that I spent five years exhausting myself doing. Last night I got a phone call from her and she told me how she realized she needed to move on and let me go. I was happy to hear that because I am in love with my friend and I know I could spend the rest of my life with her. And I know I need to be free of my ex-girlfriend before that can happen. I am free now.

There is a connection I have shared with my friend for many years. We were never more than friends until mid June and we both expected to meet in Vegas and realize that is all we are, have a good time then go back to our lives. That connection is something I have never had with any one nor has anyone taken an interest in my daughter the way my friend has.

I have so many feelings inside and I need to stay focused and do what is best for myself and my daughter. I know in my heart my friend has nothing but love for my daughter and I just need to keep my pride out of it. I know I will never lose my little girl. I know my ex is moving on hopefully with someone that will love her the way she needs to be loved. I know I am loved by my friend who I love back in more ways than she will ever know.

I have wanted to write this for a while although I didn’t want my ex to be blindsided (I’m too nice, I know) by the fact the friend I have had for so many years is now the love of my life. I realized last night in talking to my ex that it doesn’t matter what I do with my life because it is just that, my life, and she will interpret it any way she wants when she reads it here. I know I am in integrity with my actions, my relationships, and now, my blog.