A Single Daddy’s Blog

I realized late last night in another one of my sleepless night thinking sprees that I have no answers. I have no suggestions and no illusions about today or tomorrow.

I realized I am a silly idiot with dreams in my head that simply do not come true. There is no happily ever-after or the ‘one’ that actually makes you feel like you are wanted.

Just a cold hard reality that no matter where you live or how close or bizarre the next ‘one’ is, I am not wanted.

A hard truth to swallow. I am not wanted.

Sorry if you thought this post would have something to do with single parenting, although I guess it does, cause I have to figure out how to hide my shame and truth from my little one. So much for teaching her not to lie.

I am single. That fact is pretty obvious considering the blog name. I have full custody of Anastasia and her mother saw Anastasia for the first time in almost 7 years just before Christmas.

Reality is; I never thought I would be here raising my daughter on my own. I never thought I would be single at this age in life. I was a dealt a set of cards and I played them. I am exceptionally happy with the relationship I have with my daughter. Sure she lies, although I did too when I was little.

No one will ever come between my daughter and I. That is a picture I have painted for Anastasia since she was younger. And it seems in recent months Anastasia has lost sight of that fact. So I have restated it several times to her.  There is a bond that children have with their parents and that needs to be made clear to children over and over again.

I know I have not done a good job of this  is something I need to do a much better job with.

I had a flashback today that I was hoping NEVER to experience again.  After my ex took off, there was another woman I met.  I fell madly in love with her, but wait….I am getting ahead of myself.  When I first met this other woman, who I would end up having a 5 year relationship with, I had a talk with my then, 4, almost 5 year old daughter.

I explained to her that we, the three of us would be going out to dinner and this woman was a close ‘friend’ of mine.  I wasn’t sure she understood the whole girlfriend idea, although I used the word any way.  I explained this woman would not be her mother and she should not talk to her about that either.  If Anastasia had any questions about this subject, I told her to talk to me.

So, the night comes that Anastasia is to meet my ‘girlfriend’ and the first words out of her mouth to her are, “Are you going to be my new mommy?”  Luckily my girlfriend at the time was not too freaked out about it.

Fast forward 5, almost 6 years later;  My relationship that lasted just over 5 years with that woman has ended, luckily she never spent anytime with Anastasia so there was no hardship there. (I say luckily, that was half the reason why I called it quits with her.)

Now I am friends with a neighbor here, she works at the school where my daughter goes and she is a single mother raising 3 children.  We get along very well, I would be lying if I said there wasn’t any interest there, although I have no reason to rush anything, and I think the feeling is mutual with her.

I found out today that Anastasia is telling everyone at her school that she wants my neighbor, who works at the school, to be her mommy and her daughters who are also at the school to be her sisters.

I know, she is just bragging to all the kids, trying to be cool.  Although that puts my neighbor in a bad spot, she works at the school and it puts me in a bad spot because Anastasia is my child running around talking about things she knows nothing about.

I’m sure she doesn’t mean any harm, although she is ten and she should know better about talking like that.

And, oh BOY am I mad.  Not even sure what else to write.