A Single Daddy’s Blog

It has been more than a year sine I have written on this blog. I had my reasons for my disappearance. I had a following and questioning that was getting too much for me to handle.

The past year has brought me many surprises. I could tally them in detail here, although what’s the point. In love, out of love, lost love…and the sum of it all; love sucks.

Maybe I am not fit for love. Maybe I am not made to be loved. Sure I have been loved, only if I acted a certain way, did certain things, moved to a certain place and most recently if I spent enough money.

What I find funny is that I am where I started when I started writing this blog. Back to me and Anastasia, my daughter.

Which has had it’s own issues. I have spent the last eight years raising my daughter the best I knew how. I have been told I spoil her. I can’t help it, I love her. She is not a spoiled brat, although she is spoiled.

Yesterday she told me she thinks I hate her.

She was in trouble, matter of fact she got herself into a lot of trouble. And while I was in the middle of pointing out where she messed up and was correcting her she blurted that out.

Let’s go back for a minute… I have always felt I was lingering on a bad parent raising Anastasia. I have done my best. I know that. Although I have always felt like I could do better. Her getting into trouble every year in school has proved that point over and over to me. I could do better.

Although when she told me this yesterday something in me broke. I am not sure what although something broke. Why try any more? I have put every ounce of energy into her that I could and she thinks I could hate her? I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to fail anymore. I am tired of failing at the family/love thing.

Maybe I really am a bad father… It’s not like there is an instruction booklet and pop quiz or test that tells me I am or am not a good father. I did my best, she thinks I hate her. Where else have I to go?

I think of it as a sucker punch that put me one knee down. (I am too stubborn to admit I might be on both knees)

So, I have no answers and for the first time I have run out of questions. I am truly broken.

I have been swamped with new clients, Anastasia flooding a bathroom and being out of school on spring break and a bunch of other things that have decided to elude my memory at this point in the middle of the night.

So, I will be back writing soon, till then, don’t let your little ones experiment with q-tips, a wad of toilet paper and a toilet bowl, it’s just not worth the $200 plumber bill. o.O

I learned that in spanish class when I was in high school. Of course I learned it in spanish and I still remember how to say it in spanish, I am just not sure how to type it.

Anastasia has had a tough time keeping her mouth closed these days. To the extent she has completely pissed off the assistant principle and a few teachers. She argues with everyone. Disrespects most everyone and generally has a bad attitude.

Nothing is different in our lives. Nothing has changed. Nothing new has started. So why, why is she acting out like this?

She got to bite into a bar of soap last night for cursing and yelling. I am not happy about it, although what else can I do? I tried the nice talks, the mean talks, yelling, spanking, grounding and just about everything else.

She has spring break coming up, maybe she just needs a break from school.

I have been trying to get this blog and keep it updated although I have been pretty busy. Working for myself in this economy is NOT easy. And since I am the only provider for Anastasia, if I am not making money, no one else is for us.

So, I hope you bare with me while I work my butt off trying to make some money to get my daughter and I ahead in the world.

Thanks.

So I am pretty organized. At least I would like to think I am. Although since moving to Arizona I feel like I have not been organized at all.

Starting a business is hard enough, it’s even harder when I can’t get organized. I came across a piece of software today that seems like it will really help. Not only can I organize my business projects, I can even organize Anastasia’s chores and when she does them.

It was originally produced for programmers to organize their program creation tasks. I downloaded it today and I am so happy with it that I decided to share with you about it.

The program is called ToDoList 5.6. It is free. Here is the page for it: ToDoList 5.6