A Single Daddy’s Blog

I am sure I am not the only one, when the perfect sequence of buttons are pushed I fly off the handle. It happens. And I did last Thursday. I am sure there was a better way to handle it, although I was faced with making a decision I was not comfortable with and even though I needed to make it, I was very upset about it. And when my past was thrown at me, I went over the edge. For all purposes, I am sorry. You know who I am writing this too, so I will leave it nameless, although I am sorry.

Last week and into this weekend has been pretty trying. I am sure God has a reason for it all, although I really dislike the drama that has been placed in my lap.

Last week, part of my past came back claiming to care about me, culminating in that ‘past’ person telling me I was not ‘allowed’ to write about them (on any blog) anymore and me telling them never to contact me again. Although I guess that was the best I could have expected. In the end, we never saw eye to eye and this way is probably better because we will live our lives and move forward. Well at least the person I am referring to will. I choose to go no where, although that is another story for another blog.

In other news, a neighbor, that I considered a close friend, and I have not been speaking to each other. I am still pretty hazy as to why, although I think I am ‘blind’ and that may be this neighbor’s whole issue with me. (I am summarizing generally.)

Then in a semi-related issue, the Assistant Principal at Anastasia’s school lied to me on Friday about a write-up, according to him, she never got. Although I have an email from the aide that wrote her up proving she was written up, and Anastasia telling me that she got written up for things she never did.

Now, let me be the first to say, I KNOW Anastasia lies, ALOT. I have been working with her on that. Although, why would the aide write me an email telling me they are ’sorry’ and they had ‘no choice’ other than to write her up? Then, that very day when Anastasia came home she told me the story with no prompting. She told me about how the Asst Principal called her to his office because of this write up, she said she didn’t do any of it, he called the student she supposedly ‘touched’ and that student told the Asst. Principal that Anastasia never ‘touched’ him. The Asst. Principal threw away the write up and sent Anastasia back to class. This all according to Anastasia.

Then, on Friday I go to the school and question the Asst. Principal about the write up and he tells me there was none.

Now again, I know Anastasia lies, although she lies to keep herself out of trouble, at least in her thoughts, that’s why she lies. In this case, Anastasia told me about the write up without me asking. If Anastasia had the slightest thought she would get in trouble she would have hid it like she does with EVERYTHING else. And I have an email from the aide. Yet the Asst. Principal denies it all.

Simple Answer: Something ain’t stirring the Kool-Aid at Anastasia’s school. And the Assistant Principal is definitely lying.

So, I am off to start my Monday. I had a rough weekend with Anastasia, she has decided to start giving me attitude on and off. So she was grounded most the weekend.

I realized late last night in another one of my sleepless night thinking sprees that I have no answers. I have no suggestions and no illusions about today or tomorrow.

I realized I am a silly idiot with dreams in my head that simply do not come true. There is no happily ever-after or the ‘one’ that actually makes you feel like you are wanted.

Just a cold hard reality that no matter where you live or how close or bizarre the next ‘one’ is, I am not wanted.

A hard truth to swallow. I am not wanted.

Sorry if you thought this post would have something to do with single parenting, although I guess it does, cause I have to figure out how to hide my shame and truth from my little one. So much for teaching her not to lie.

Yesterday was parent teacher conference day.  Anastasia was extremely worried.  My sister was home sick so I decided to leave Anastasia with her so there were no distractions while I was getting the dirt on Anastasia and how bad she has been in school.

All week she has been stressing this appointment.  She was convinced it was going to bad and I was going to mad when I got home.  I thought to myself, “there is no way she could be that bad.”  I mean, even in her worst moments she is better than most kids.

Well, she was crying when I left the hose to go.  :(  I get to the school and the teacher had NOTHING but GOOD things to say about her.  How hard she is trying, how great she is doing and how good she is about making sure all her work is turned in.  The only thing her teacher said was she talked waaayy too much.  Wait, seriously, my little girl?  Talk?  No way!  ;)

In the end, I walked in the house yelling, making Anastasia think her worst fears had come true.  >:)  Then I let her in on the good news that she was doing GREAT!  I couldn’t resist the little toying I was able to do with her.

Today is her last half day before a two week break.  I wonder what we will do next week.  Need to think of something fun!

Any thoughts?

Anastasia got in trouble at school today.  I wrote about it in an earlier post.  Part of her punishment was to write an apology letter to her teacher.

She went downstairs to the table to write it and I got on the phone with a client to finalize a project I am working on for him.

While I am on the phone Anastasia finishes her letter and comes and stands next to me impatiently waiting while I am on the phone.  When I looked at her, she tells me she is done.  I told her to wait.  I knew the phone call would not last that long.

She is now sitting behind me playing with the dogs, banging into the walls and crinkling her paper.  I told her to go downstairs and wait for me to call her.  I finished my call and called her to come upstairs.

I guess she got bored downstairs because her paper had little flowers all over the left top corner.  Normally I would encourage this because she s very artistic.  She was in trouble though.  I told her to go downstairs and write it all again.

I feel bad, cause I know she spent time writing it.  Although that is the very thing she is getting in trouble at school for; doing things she is not supposed to.

This is one of those days that I really need to concentrate on what is going on with her, because she is just getting in too much trouble and there has to be a reason.

Back in June I got a call from my ex.  The one that left six years ago and I have not heard from all this time.  The second I realized it was her, she was begging for me not to hang up on her and that she needed to tell me some things.  Something was different.

I let her explain.  She told me she got so messed up into drugs that it consumed her life, etc.etc. (I could tell you the details she told me, although does it really matter?)  She then told me she has been clean for almost a year and she wants to make things right with me and Anastasia.  I needed time to process that request.  I asked her to call me the next day because I was returning from Zion National Park and I was int he car.  She said ok and hung up.  I was flabbergasted.  Luckily Anastasia was visiting with Grandma and Grandpa during this time.

The next day she called me and explained more about what she was doing and how she was doing it.  She explained that she was an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) fanatic.  She just replaced liquor with drugs when they said the word.  I could tell in her voice that she was very sincere and trying.  I wasn’t sure how I felt.

I told her that she had been gone for six years and that is not an easy thing to fix.  As a matter of fact there is no fix for it, there is just progression from it.  She agreed.  And we agreed to meet each other the next day at a Del Taco.

When I arrived she came out to greet me.  She was as I remembered her, BEFORE she got mean and messed up.  I thought I would have hatred, feelings, something…..  There was nothing though.  I felt as if it was someone I knew from my past.  We had a connection at one point in time and that was it.  The more we talked, the more I realized she had really changed and was trying to re-enter life and progress.

I immediately became a fan of hers and her cause.  Not because I felt anything, it was because I could see the conviction in her eyes and the positive sounds coming from her voice.

I was happy she wanted to get in touch with Anastasia.  I just didn’t know how that would play out. I told her I would need time.  A lot of time.  I need to tell Anastasia that the person she has cried about for the past six years and has finally learned to cope with the loss of, is now back wanting to be in her life.  I felt that time would let me work all this out.  All in God’s time.

Don’t get me wrong, at first, even though I was happy for her and a fan, there was no way I would let her see or talk to my baby girl.  My fatherly protection came first.  As time went on and my ex continued to keep her word, starting to pay the child support ($100/month) and making payments to the back owed child support as well, I started to realize she really was trying and really was determined to make this happen.

I met her again before I moved to AZ.  At this meeting she told me a little more about her current life.  She was living with her boyfriend of about a year and she was going to a bunch of AA meetings a week.  I was happy she was with someone and was happier to realize how dedicated she actually was to all this “clean” stuff.  I told her at that point that I would really try to make this work and get her talking to Anastasia.  I told her I knew it would take sometime though.

Well as God has His ways of making things funny and slapping us in the face, he did it to me.  In order to get a Passport, for our cruise, I needed to have a form signed my Anastasia’s mother because she would not be present when we got our passports.  Funny how she contacted me not a month earlier.  Hmmm… Wait, it gets even better…

So my ex gladly fills out the form, sends it back to me and I am off to the Post Office.  Before we left on that Saturday Anastasia asked me if she could look at the paperwork, yes here is the slap part, not thinking about anything, I said sure, go ahead.  She looks as she flips through the pages, then she stops and goes, “Uhhhh!!??”

I asked her what she was looking at?  Then my heart sank when she showed me what she was looking at.  She asked me how I got her signature.  I told her to get a chair and I proceeded to tell her the entire story from when her biological mother first contacted me in June.  I have never held any secrets from her before.  I’m not about to start now.

She cried, we hugged.  She asked questions about where she had been.  I told her I didn’t know.  I told her she wasn’t taking drugs anymore.  I also explained AA and how her biological mother was helping others to stop taking drugs and alcohol.

She was content with the conversation then.  She has come to me and wanted to talk about it a few more times.  A few tears.  Her biggest issue right now is what should she call her.  When she was 5, she asked me if she still had to call her mother, mom, who at that point, she hadn’t talked to in a year.  I asked what she wanted to call her.  And she told me, “<Ex First Name>.  That is her name.”  I couldn’t argue with that, so I said yes.

I told her she could call her what ever she felt she wanted to and if she decided on her first name then I would back her up with that.  And that my ex should not have any issues with that.

So, now I talk to my ex a few times a month.  She pays her child support and Anastasia might talk to her soon.  I will not press her to talk to her though.  She knows her ‘mom’ is there.  This will happen when Anastasia wants it to now.  Unless God wants to show me something again.  :)